The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Randomize
