You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
