"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
