My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
