Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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