Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
