I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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