I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm too high and old for this...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You ruined the universe
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
