i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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