She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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