also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
