I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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