is your mom at the bar?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
