Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
