Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
