no, he came in my armpit
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
