im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
