I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
FUCK WHALES
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
