I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
