jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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