ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
