FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
