He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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