i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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