I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
