am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
