Do you still have your period?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
