I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
