I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
