you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
