I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
