i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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