im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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