just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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