Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
