dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
