Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My bed smells like the plague
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