How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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