I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize