my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
