when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
