just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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