bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
