i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize