I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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