It's Friday. Sex?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
