my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
