a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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