Someone shit on the floor
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
