I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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