and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
birth control should be required to get into college
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
