she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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