Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Randomize
