How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
