Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
