My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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