just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
