My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
