Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
