brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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