either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can you repeat that, but with context?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
