not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
