4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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