i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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