Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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