I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
