Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
