i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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